She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
