I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
