I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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