i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This is the high leading the old right now
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
