Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
