I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
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