we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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