My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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