im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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