I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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