Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So vagazzling was a success
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
