My pussy is not your playground.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
