You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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