the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
