mondays should just be called national damage control day
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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