You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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