I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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