I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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