finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize