on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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