I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
