I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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