So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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