Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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