do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
