I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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