now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
