Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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