so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
