Swine flu. Run for my life!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
