so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
