Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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