I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
