we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
