Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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