my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
