Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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