Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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