you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize