I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I look better un-naked...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Two words: blizzard sex
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
