angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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