I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
