3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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