I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
