Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
