She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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