I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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