I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
