i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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