i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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