If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
