smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
