You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
