Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
