i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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